When Humans Invade
by orvaign
Summary: When the Cullens invite two out-of-control teenagers to stay with them, not everything goes to plan . . .
1. Chapter 1

**I do not own the Twilight Saga, which is annoying.**

When Humans Invade

**CHAPTER ONE**

DAY ONE

"Do we really have to do this?" Rosalie moaned as the entire Cullen family wove through the crowds in Washington Airport.

"Yes, Rose, we do." Carlisle sighed. "We have already had this conversation. Eight times."

"I, for one, think it's a terr-"

"WE KNOW!" the Cullens all shouted, attracting curious looks from passers-by.

Alice rubbed her forehead and sighed. A vision lurked on the edge of her sight, sucking her in. She groaned. She saw that Rosalie would be very hard to live with for the next ten days.

The Cullens had applied for World's Strictest Parents. No one quite knew why. Carlisle had done it, his only explanation being; "It's an experience".

Now they were headed to Terminal B to pick up two out-of-control teenagers called Emily and Sebastian.

Jeeze, no wonder he's outta control, with a name like that, Emmett thought, chuckling. He would enjoy this.

They arrived at the terminal and looked around. Bella spotted them first, standing next to a café surrounded by a camera crew. The Cullens walked over to them.

"Hello, you must be Emily and Sebastian? Great, well, I'm Carlisle, this is my wife Esme, and this is Edward, Bella, Emmett, Rosalie, Alice, Jasper and little Renesmee. Esme and me adopted them all, well, except for Renesmee, she's Edward and Bella's." said Carlisle, ignoring the camera crew and shaking the baffled teenager's hands.

"Uh, right, hey."

"Wazzup."

That was Emily and Sebastian's reaction. They were staring open mouthed at the Cullens, taking in all their surreal beauty and grace. When Emily's eyes reached Emmett, he gave her an evil grin and she only just held back from shrieking.

"We should have enough rooms. Usually Alice and Jasper share a room, as do Emmett and Rosalie and Edward and Bella, but this time the girls will all be sleeping in Rosalie and Emmett's room and the boys can all share Alice and Jasper's." explained Esme, trying to see around a boom mic.

Edward searched Emily and Sebastian's minds and chuckled. Bella looked at him questioningly. He took her hand and whispered in her ear.

"You don't want to know."

"Let's get going. We took Emmett's Jeep so, in theory, we should all fit." Said Carlisle cheerily, pretending not to notice the dazed looks on the teens' faces.

They all walked out of the airport and got into the Jeep. Emmett drove and Rosalie sat next to him on the passenger seat with Renesmee on her lap. Bella sat on Edward's lap, Alice sat on Jasper's and Esme sat on Carlisle's lap in the back seats. Emily and Sebastian squashed into the two small back seats in the boot.

"Hold on tight." Emmett said, grinning, as he floored the accelerator.

**So what do you think? Please review! Next chapter around Monday.**


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER TWO

They pulled up at the house. Emmett parked the car and jumped out, opening the passenger door and letting Rosalie out. Rosalie walked around to the back door and pulled it open and, after much swearing and complaints from Alice that she was being crushed, they got out. Emmett pulled the seats forwards and stood back to let Emily and Sebastian out.

They got out on shaky legs. Sebastian was holding his head from where it had slammed into the seat in front when Emmett went around a hairpin bend at speed, and Emily just looked horrified.

As the camera crew got out of their car and filmed some shots of the house, Carlisle opened the front door.

"Get yourselves settled, and then you can come down for the rules and so on." Carlisle said, helping Emily with her luminous pink suitcase.

Alice took Emily's hand and pulled her up the stairs, chattering nineteen to the dozen about something. Emily had gotten over the initial shock at the Cullens and Emmett's driving and now just looked bored.

Bella and Rosalie looked at each other and followed. Renesmee jumped down from Rosalie's arms and ran to the kitchen, clamouring for something to drink.

"Right, you can have the fold out bed, Bella you're sharing with me, Rosalie, you can . . . I dunno, sleep in the bath. Sort it out." Alice said, fast. She was dancing around the room, straightening duvets and pillows. Emily sat on her fold out bed and unpacked her suitcase. Alice watched critically. Bella covered a laugh with a cough and sat on the bed that she would have to share with Alice.

"What is this?" Alice cried, picking something up off the bed.

"It's a skirt, innit." Emily said, rolling her eyes and pulling more things out of her case.

"No, it's not a skirt. It is, in fact, hideous. Bin it." Alice sang, throwing the neon pink thing into the bin.

Rosalie rolled her eyes and pulled a large duvet from the wardrobe and put it on the floor. She eyed it.

"Oh well. It's not like I'll be sleeping on it." She sighed, nudging the pillow with her foot.

Alice went to the door and stuck her head out. She bawled something down the stairs to Esme and came back in.

"So what else have you got in there?" Alice asked, diving into the suitcase and coming out looking horrified.

"Um, what's this?" she said, holding up a small box.

Emily makes a grab for it, but Alice dances away from her. She reads from the label and her eyes widen.

"Bella, have a look at this! Why would she be needing these?"

Alice's face was the picture of innocence as she looked at Bella with huge eyes. Bella laughs and looks at the box. Meanwhile, on the fold up bed, Emily's chubby face is burning under the hundreds of layers of makeup.

"OK, these too are going in the bin. You will not be needing them." Said Bella, chucking the little box with "Go Equipped" on the side into the bin.


	3. Chapter 3

**I don't own the Twilight Saga. Which is really sad, because I'm awesome. **

CHAPTER THREE

Meanwhile, in the boys' room, things are not going much better. Emmett has laid claim to the huge bed in the middle ("Dunno why you need such a big bed, Jazz, Alice is tiny") and has instructed Sebastian to sleep on the pump-up bed on the floor. Jasper and Edward were told to fend for themselves.

Jasper shoved Emmett off his bed and sat on it. Even though he looked calm and composed, Edward could tell he was having real trouble being this close to a human. He had no idea how he was going to be able to manage to resist killing Sebastian while he was sleeping.

"So now what?" said Sebastian, eyeing Emmett nervously. Jasper smiled slightly. Sebastian was bloody terrified of Emmett.

"Now . . . I eat you." Emmett said, grinning his best evil grin.

"Shut up, Emmett. Now you unpack, then we'll go downstairs for rules and such." Edward explained, kicking Emmett in the shin. Emmett rolled about on the floor in mock agony until Jasper stood on him. He got up sharpish.

Sebastian unpacked his things, laying them all on the bed. Jasper noted the contents; red hair dye, fake tan, mobile phone, black clothes, a pair of black shoes, sunglasses, and cigarettes . . .

Edward raised his eyebrows at the cigarettes and lighter. Those could be lethal.

Then Sebastian pulled out a full bottle of vodka. This time all the boy's eyebrows shot up.

"For a nightcap, you know, case I wanna get pissed, innit." Sebastian said by way of an explanation. "You can `ave some too, if you wanna."

"That's another thing I miss. I should do a list." Said Emmett thoughtfully, looking at the vodka.

"Miss abaat what?"

"Being human." He winked at Sebastian. He swallowed and hoped to God he was joking.

The camera crew was filming discreetly through the open door. Edward slapped his forehead with his hand and pulled it down his face. Jasper grinned.

"OK, before Emmett kills someone, let's get the girls and go downstairs." Edward said quickly, walking past the camera crew and knocking on Rosalie's door.

"In a _minute!_" screamed Alice from inside. Jasper rolled his eyes and opened the door. Alice turned around, looking mean, and then saw who it was and her expression softened.

"Sorry."

"Doesn't matter, though you may have to make up for it later." Jasper murmured.

"Get a room. And, speaking of rooms, you two are . . . "sleeping" in separate ones tonight." Rosalie pointed out, tapping her foot. "And you better delete that bit off the film, mister."

The cameraman nodded frantically.

"Anyway, rules. Come along."

**So whaddya think? Please review! Please please please please please!!!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Yes, it is here! Please enjoy.**

CHAPTER FOUR

They all trooped down the stairs and into the living room, where Esme and Carlisle were waiting. Esme held three pieces of paper, titled "Cullen Family Rules" which she had typed up on Carlisle's laptop the day before. Emily and Sebastian sat on the sofa opposite them and were handed a rule list. The others stood behind the sofa Esme and Carlisle were occupying.

"Could you read them aloud, for the viewers?" asked the director.

"Sure, sure."

"And . . . action."

"OK, rules. There will be no drinking, smoking, gambling, going out alone, flirting, bullying or fighting. We will also not tolerate rude behaviour or vandalism. Any questions?" Carlisle said in his doctor's voice. People tended to take notice when he used his doctor's voice.

Emily and Sebastian looked at each other. Edward sighed. This would take a while.

Renesmee wandered in and poked Alice's leg. Alice bent down until she was at Renesmee's height (didn't take much bending) and asked her what was wrong.

"Thirsty. Want some blood." Renesmee said in her high, clear, really quite _loud_ voice.

"What did she jus` say?" Sebastian asked, eyes very wide.

"I said, thirsty –"

"OK!" Alice said hurriedly, scooping her up in her arms and carrying her towards the kitchen. "Why doncha go and ask Jake, he's here, isn't he?"

"But –"

"Buh-bye!"

Alice drops Renesmee in the kitchen, shuts the door and comes back into the living room, looking a little flustered. Stupid unreliable visions . . .

"So no drinking?" Emily asked, looking horrified.

"Or smoking?" said Sebastian.

"Says so on the list, doesn't it?" Carlisle said patiently.

Alice groaned quietly. Great, she's going to have a hissy fit, she thought, half watching the vision that showed itself to her.

"Bu` I can't live without my ciggys! Or my booze!" shrieked Emily in a voice that was remarkably similar to Rosalie's when she didn't like what was happening.

"Yer, you can't do this to us!" Sebastian contributed, standing up angrily.

Emmett chuckled to himself. This should get interesting.

Carlisle stood up calmly. "In my house, what says, goes. You will not defy me." On the outside it seemed he was slightly cross and very serious, but Edward could see the panicked thoughts that ran around Carlisle's brain. _What the hell what the hell this wasn't meant to happen no one tells you how to deal with this in medical school oh, Jeeze, what the hell am I going to do Edward why aren't you helping I know you can hear me!_

"I ain't taking this crap, I'm going." Sebastian says in what he hoped was a manly growl, but came out like a mousy squeak because Emmett was grinning at him again.

"Yeah, let's go, Sebastian." Emily said, grabbing her handbag and storming out. Sebastian followed.

They were faced with Jacob in the hall. He wasn't wearing a shirt, having just got back from a pack run, and Emily's eyes were level with his abdomen.

"Uuuh . . . hi?" Jacob said. Renesmee jumped off the landing, where she had been pulling apart the banisters for fun, and landed on his shoulders. "Hey, Nessie."

"Stop _calling _her that!" screamed Bella from the living room.

"Sorry, Bells! Um, can I just . . ." he said, edging around Emily, Sebastian and the camera crew and into the living room. Emily's eyes followed him until he shut the door.

"He was _hot._" Emily said, wonderingly. Sebastian looked at her and pulled open the front door.

"Are we goin` or what?"

"Yeah, let's go." They left, giggling, with the cameraman following until they got to the road. They turned left and headed for Forks.

**Please review! Please! Please! Please! Next chapter out around Thursday.**


	5. Chapter 5

**OK, here it is. Blah blah blah, I don't own Twilight, blah-de-blah. Ahem.**

CHAPTER FIVE

"OK, now what?" Esme said, looking despairingly at the door.

"Flippin` weather chose today of all days to be sunny." Emmett muttered darkly.

Carlisle turned to Edward. "Why didn't you help, I know you could hear my pleas for assistance!"

"Sorry, Carlisle, but I don't know what would have happened if I'd intervened." Edward answered. He started to say something else, then remembered the cameraman standing in the corner and quietened.

"Well, what do we do now? We can't go out, bloody sun, but we need to bring them back!" said Alice. She stamped her foot and the action made the room shake. Alice winced.

"Sorry."

Esme tutted. "Alice, you knocked the lamp down!"

"I said I was sorry!"

The cameraman watched this in amazement. How could something that small make such a big tremor? He shook his head in wonder.

"Hang on, sun's gone in." Rosalie said, peering out of the window.

"Come on. Edward, Jasper, you take the Volvo. Alice, Rosalie, Esme, you're in the Jeep, Emmett, you come on foot with me, Jacob, get the pack on it, Bella, you stay here in case they come back." Carlisle said rapidly, grabbing car keys and chucking them at people.

The cameraman was baffled. They seem to have forgot he was there. They ran about the house like demented people, and occasionally, they ran a little too fast . . .

He shook his head as if to dispel the notion. _Mother always said I had an overactive imagination,_ he thought.

He then realised that he was completely alone in the house.

"Shoot." he muttered, pressing the "stop" button on his camera.

**Sorry for the short chapter, going through hell with my GCSE. Please review! Oh, and thank you all who added me to their Story Alert and Favourite Story and other such things, and thank you all who reviewed the last few chapters! Next chapter either on Monday or Tuesday.**


	6. Chapter 6

**The wait is over! Enjoy this chapter - it's one of my favourites.**

CHAPTER SIX

"Ugh." Carlisle moaned, collapsing on the bed he shared with Esme.

They had, eventually, after about four hours of searching, found the teens in the pub, getting drunk on shots of tequila with the guy that holds the boom mic.

"I feel strange." Carlisle said, rubbing his eyes.

"The word you are looking for, sweetheart, is _tired._" Esme said, pulling on her nightdress and sitting next to him on the bed. "You are mentally exhausted."

"Wonderful."

"How are we going to get through another nine days of this?"

"I have no idea." Carlisle said, getting under the covers and opening a medical journal. "And it's not like we can _sleep _to get away from it all."

"Mm. Remind me, why did you sign up for this?" Esme asked, putting her head on Carlisle's shoulder and flicking through a magazine.

"I thought it'd be good for us."

"Us?"

"OK, Jasper. He's been doing so well recently, I thought it might be time to put him to the test. If he doesn't kill anyone we'll consider it a triumph."

"I don't think you thought this through hard enough."

"You know, now I've said it out loud, I can see holes in the plan too." Carlisle admitted, wincing at a particularly graphic image in his medical book.

In the girls' room, they are getting ready for bed. Alice eyes Emily's short nightdress with scorn as she pulls her own silky black one on.

Bella and Rosalie have opted for t-shirts and pairs of their husband's boxer shorts as pyjamas. Alice wasn't happy about this, but let it slide for once.

Emily clambers clumsily into her bed, still influenced by the alcohol. She falls off and starts to giggle manically.

"I fell off! I fell off!" she shrieks.

"She positively stinks of tequila." Rosalie muttered, worrying about if the smell would stick around. _If it stays in the curtains, I'll kill her, _she thought, glaring at Emily, who was having hysterics on the floor.

Alice tutted and pushed Emily onto her bed. Then she clambered into the big bed, next to Bella, and counted the seconds until Emily fell asleep.

It didn't take long. Thirty-four seconds and the room was filled with her alcohol-induced snores. Alice sighed with relief.

"She won't wake up until about nine tomorrow, longer if I can help it. She's a nightmare!" she whispers to her sisters. Rosalie gets up off her makeshift bed on the floor and sits next to Alice.

"I know! It's terrible. I can't believe Carlisle did this." Rosalie moaned.

A huge, rasping snore issued from the lump under the covers that was Emily. Bella rolled her eyes.

"Was I like that?" she asked.

"Like what?"

"So . . . _human._"

"Well, duh." Alice said, gently knocking on Bella's forehead. "Course you were. Thought not quite like that."

They all gazed thoughtfully at Emily, each hoping against hope that they weren't like that when they were human.

**Please review, you have no idea how excited I get when I get a postive review! Next chapter Wednesday or Thursday!**


	7. Chapter 7

**I know, I know, another short chapter, but it's just a stop-gap thingy because they start Day Two in the next chapter!**

**CHAPTER SEVEN**

In the boys' room, Sebastian was talking. Loudly. About nothing.

"An` so when I found him wiv my girl, I punched `is lights out so hard he . . ." he rambled. Emmett pulled a pillow onto his head and groaned.

_Jeeze, make him shut up, someone!_ Emmett thought.

Edward grinned and pulled out the bottle of vodka. He opened it and handed it to Sebastian.

"Here, get this down you. Help you sleep."

Sebastian took the bottle and swigged from it. "An` then . . ." he began, then his eyes crossed and he fell asleep.

Emmett sighed with relief and sat up. "I'm really bored," he said, poking the pillow experimentally.

"So am I, but if we get up now the cameramen will talk." Edward pointed out.

"Usually, this time of night, Rose and me –"

"I don't want to know!" Jasper muttered, clapping his hands over his ears and trying very hard not to listen.

"Oh, shut up, you're even worse." Emmett growled.

"Please! Please, be quiet!" Edward hissed. "We do not want to wake _him _up!"

"Indeed we don't. Pass me that." Emmett said, pointing at Sebastian's mobile phone.

"What for?" Jasper asked warily, throwing him the phone.

"Boys, it's time to make some long-distance calls." Emmett grinned.

**:D please review! Oh, I have also uploaded the first chapter of another fanfic, Part Of Their World, so be sure to check that out! Next chapter over the weekend.**


	8. Chapter 8

**I know I said it'd be up over the weekend, but I just adore writing this.**

CHAPTER EIGHT

DAY TWO

"Rise and shine!" Esme said, shaking Emily. It was seven in the morning, and the others had already gotten up and were going through the charade of breakfast.

"Uuuunnnggg . . . don't want to . . ." Emily mumbled, pulling the duvet further over her head.

Esme's lips thinned. She grabbed the top of the duvet and pulled it down, letting Emily shiver in the cold morning air for a while until she sat up, rubbing her eyes.

"It's too early!" Emily moaned.

"Get up, it's breakfast time." Esme said with forced joviality. She took Emily's hand and led her out of the door, the camera crew following.

"Your hands are freezin`."

"I know. I was out at five this morning weeding the garden." Esme said, walking down the stairs.

_Pretty lame excuse, who came up with that?_ Esme thought, and she heard her son laugh downstairs.

Esme and Emily walked into the kitchen, Emily still half-asleep. Esme dodged a large crane thing with a camera on the end that was poking through the open window. Her children were poking at pieces of bacon, while Sebastian was shoving huge bits of egg and fried bread into his mouth, egg yolk dripping down his chin. Alice watched with horror as a small trickle landed on his shirt.

"OK, we just want everyone eating breakfast, nice calm family scene, then, Dr Cullen, tell everyone what your plans for the day are. Right, in three, two, one, action!" the director instructed everyone.

"OK, now, Sebastian, I think it'd do you good to come down to the hospital with me, help me work. I'm in A & E today, so you'll be helping with more of the . . . eccentric cases. Emily, I think you will be going with Esme to redecorate one of the houses up the road." Carlisle told them.

"I don't wanna." Sebastian muttered into his fried bread.

"Me neither. I don` wanna go down to some stinking hole and get my clothes all covered with paint!" Emily complained, drinking orange juice out of the carton.

Rosalie snatched the carton from her and wiped the spout with her sleeve. "What about us, Car – Dad?" she said.

"You can go with whoever you like." Carlisle said, taking the orange juice carton from her and stowing it in the fridge. "Who wants to go with Esme and Emily?"

Rosalie, Alice and Jasper raised their hands.

"And anyone with me?"

Edward and Emmett raised their hands.

"Bella? What about you?" Carlisle asked.

"I'll stay here with Renesmee." Bella answered, stroking Renesmee's hair absently.

Renesmee smiled and drank from her beaker. A tiny drop escaped her mouth, and Sebastian stared at it.

"Bl . . . blood." He fainted.

Renesmee wiped her mouth and looked at Sebastian with puzzlement.

"What's wrong with him?" she asked, looking up at Bella.

"He's not like us, darling, he's like Grandpa." Bella explained quietly, taking the now empty beaker from Renesmee and putting it in the dishwasher.

"I know _that, _but why'd he faint?"

"Because he's a wimp. Let's get on with our day." Emmett said, throwing his bacon into the bin.

**Please review! I would like to thank everyone that has ever reviewed on either of my stories, and especially Jess1177 and rocki18! The next chapter will be out either Sunday or Monday.**


	9. Chapter 9

**I know I said I'd have it out by Monday, but . . . sorry. Enjoy!**

**CHAPTER NINE**

"Right, if you want to take that paint tin upstairs, we'll deal with the rest."

Emily moaned and picked up the small tin of paint. She walked up the stairs slowly, dragging her feet.

"She's a _nightmare_!" Alice whispered, picking up at least ten cans of paint and taking them into the living room of the derelict house.

"I told you this was a bad idea." Rosalie said smugly, taking a couple of rolls of wallpaper out of the car.

"We will just have to deal with it. It's only eight more days." Esme said, pulling all the paintbrushes out of the car.

Emily walked back down the stairs, sighing theatrically.

"I don` have to put up with this." She complained, kicking the banister and making it rattle alarmingly.

Esme placed a hand on the banister to steady it. She felt like lashing out at someone, which was a very unfamiliar emotion to her. She looked over at Jasper, who looked like he was _about _to lash out at someone. _Ah, so that's why, _Esme thought.

"Emily, remember, this experience is supposed to be teaching you something. Please make the most of it." Esme said, trying to look stern.

"I don' _want _to make the most of it! I wanna go home, so I can drink and smoke! I want to go home and go to sleep until I'm actually _awake!!!_" Emily screamed, throwing a paintbrush at a wall.

Everyone watched as the paintbrush slammed into the wall. It made a dull _thud _noise, denting the wall. Rosalie looked at the dent and scowled.

"Emily, I would like you to first apologise to me, then I would like you to go upstairs and start painting the bathroom." Esme said as sternly as she could. She calmly picked up the paintbrush and looked at Emily expectantly.

"I will not apologise! And I will not paint any stinkin` bathroom! I want to go home!" Emily screeched, making Jasper grind his teeth. _What I wouldn't give to flippin` throttle that girl, _Jasper thought, going to the back of the car and taking out the dent filler.

Esme frowned at Emily, took her arm and led her up to the bathroom.

"Start painting here and then work your way towards the bath." Esme said firmly, pressing a new paintbrush into Emily's hand. Her hand went limp and she dropped the brush. Esme calmly picked it up and put it in the can of paint on the floor. She straightened up and looked at Emily.

"Emily, you are being childish. The sooner you start the sooner you'll finish." Esme said. She turned around and walked out of the door, leaving Emily alone with the paint. She sighed. _I can only hope Carlisle is having an easier time, _Esme thought, walking down the stairs.

**Well, you can be safe in the knowledge that Carlisle is NOT having an easier time. He he he . . . Pretty please review! Next chapter Thursday. Promise.**


	10. Chapter 10

**This is another of my favourite chapters. It was fun to write Carlisle losing his cool.**

**CHAPTER 10**

"Come out _now_, Sebastian!!!"Carlisle shouted.

Sebastian had thought it would be funny to replace the large medical needles in the A & E ward with small sewing ones. Then he took away the oxygen tanks and replaced them with ones full of helium for blowing up balloons. Now he was using one of the small medical mirrors to spy on the women in the Ladies' Bathroom. Carlisle and Edward were frantically knocking on the door, reluctant to go in. Emmett was trying not to die laughing in the next ward along at the sight of twenty irritated patients with very high voices, trying to find the oxygen tanks.

"No, I'm not comin` out! I'm having fun!" Sebastian shouted.

A woman screamed and ran out of the bathroom. Edward squared his shoulders and walked into the bathroom with his eyes half shut. Carlisle watched nervously.

Edward grabbed Sebastian by the shoulder and hauled him out of the bathroom, with Sebastian kicking and screaming.

"Gerr_off!!!_" Sebastian screeched, lashing out at Edward.

His fist made sharp contact with Edward's arm and his hand made a horrible cracking noise as it connected with Edward's stone-hard arm. Carlisle sighed.

"Come with me." Carlisle said through gritted teeth. Sebastian started crying.

"You broke my hand, dude! That is so not cool!" Sebastian sobbed, cradling his hand. The cameraman that had been following them the entire day gasped.

"Yeah, well, you should watch where you put it in future." Edward growled.

They walked to Carlisle's office, passing the ward where Emmett was trying to calm down a mother who screeching at him because her son's voice had suddenly forgot it had broken. Emmett shot Edward a pained look, and Edward gave him a look that said _I've no sympathy for you. _Emmett shot one back that said _shut the hell up you smart-ass._

Carlisle sits Sebastian on the bed in his office and Carlisle straps him into a blood pressure machine.

"I'm afraid I'm going to do something terrible now, Edward." Carlisle says in a low voice.

"What?"

"I'm going to pretend his injury is worse than it actually is."

"OK . . . any particular reason?"

"Because he gets on my bloody nerves." Carlisle said calmly. "I'm going to run a lot of unnecessary tests. Scary ones."

Edward laughs quietly. "It'll certainly make good television."

"Oh yes. My thoughts exactly."

"I know."

Carlisle smiles and walks over to Sebastian, who was lying on the bed looking terrified. Edward sat in one of the chairs and watched.

Carlisle made a low whistling sound through his teeth as he looked at the blood pressure monitor. Edward could tell that it was absolutely fine, but the expression on Sebastian's face was priceless.

"Ooh, ouch, mm-hmm." Carlisle muttered, needlessly, scaring Sebastian even further out of his wits.

Carlisle ummed and ahhed for a few more minutes, then he stood up straight. "I'm afraid, Sebastian, that I am going to have to run a few blood tests."

"I'll get Emmett." Edward said quickly, standing up and walking out of the door.

He found Emmett trying very hard not to throttle the mother from earlier. Edward decided to stand back and enjoy the scene.

"Whoever did this to my son I'm going to sue the living daylights outta him!" she shrieked, making Emmett grit his teeth.

"I'm sorry, Madam, as soon as the culprit is –"

"I don't _care _about the culprit!!!"

"But you just said –"

"I don't _care _what I said!"

Edward looked at the woman's son, who was trying very hard to melt into his pillow.

"It's OK, Mom, I'm fine." The boy mumbled in his ludicrously high voice.

"I don't _care _if it's fine –"

"Excuse me, Madam, my . . . ah, assistant here will help you." Emmett interrupted her. He walked past Edward and clapped him on the back. "Edward here is highly qualified in dealing with women that don't listen. She's all yours, mate." Emmett said, grinning. Edward gave him an evil look and went to deal with the woman.

**He he he . . . Emmett is so evil! The next chapter should be out on the weekend, if not then, Monday. Please review! And thanks to EVERYONE who has reviewed this story in the past.**


	11. Chapter 11

**Sorry for the delay! Enjoy.**

**CHAPTER ELEVEN**

"Well, that was fun, wasn't it?"

Esme was trying very, very hard to maintain a positive outlook on things. She was driving Emily, Rosalie, Alice and Jasper towards Forks General Hospital after they had only half finished the house because Emily got a splinter and was demanding to see a doctor.

"It was, yeah!" Alice said with forced enthusiasm.

Alice was the only other person in the car making an effort to be happy. Jasper had started sulking after Emily had thrown a can of paint at him two hours previously, Emily was staring moodily out of the window, Rosalie looked very sour and even the cameraman looked depressed.

"Wasn't it, Jasper?" Alice said forcefully, prodding Jasper in the side.

Jasper nodded absently and resumed his sulking. Alice sighed. She peered into the future and saw just what she would have to do to get Jasper out of this mood and rolled her eyes.

"Jazz, please remind yourself we're sleeping in separate rooms for another eight days. So just _snap out of this mood before I kill someone!" _Alice hissed, her voice increasing in pitch on the last sentence. She blinked. She had never, ever been that horrible to Jasper before. _This is all her fault, _Alice thought, directing a murderous glare at Emily, who raised one eyebrow.

Alice directed about as much apologetic emotions at her disposal at Jasper before peering into the future again.

_Emily kicking her hard in the shin . . . the blood . . . Jasper losing it . . ._ _the grieving parents at the airport . . . the cameraman . . . having to move . . ._

Jasper felt her emotions change. She was worried, scared, and so, so tense . . . He looked at her quizzically.

"Yeah, we need to get out now." Alice muttered. "Es – Mom, can we pull over? Me and Jasper would like to walk home."

"Of course, but don't you want to come to the hospital to see your father?" Esme asked, pulling over into a lay-by and letting Alice and Jasper out.

"No . . . no, that's fine. We'll walk."

"Suit yourselves. We'll see you at home." Esme pulled the door shut and drove off.

"So what was that about?" Jasper said.

"Oh, just Emily being dumb." Alice said dismissively. She tentatively peered into the future and was relieved to find that nothing bad would happen.

* * *

Esme parked the car and got out. She let the cameraman, Rosalie and Emily out and then they all walked into the hospital.

"We're here to see Dr Carlisle Cullen." Esme said to the blonde woman behind the desk. It annoyed her immensely when the receptionist blushed slightly at the mention of Carlisle, so Esme added; "I'm his wife."

The blonde woman looked sour as she said; "He's in A & E. It's through those doors."

Esme thanked the woman and led Emily and the cameraman through the doors to A & E. She looked in Carlisle's office, but he wasn't there. She went back to the entrance doors where Emily, Rosalie and the cameraman were waiting and asked _another _woman behind _another _desk where her husband was.

Just as the woman was about to answer, Carlisle came pelting around the corner, swiftly followed by Emmett and Edward. They all stopped abruptly in front of the others.

"Help me." Carlisle said simply.

**Love Carlisle's last line lol. Please review. Next chapter Wednesday.**


	12. Chapter 12

**This was so much fun to write. Enjoy.**

**CHAPTER TWELVE**

Esme looked at her husband in confusion and a small amount of panic.

"Why? What's wrong?" she asked, taking Carlisle's hand.

"Genius here managed to lose Sebastian." Edward said, looking pointedly at Emmett.

"Shut up, you're the one who –"

"That is _enough, _boys. What happened?" Esme asked.

"I'd just plastered his hand –" Carlisle began, but Esme didn't let him finish.

"You had to _plaster his hand?_"

"His fault!" Emmett said loudly, pointing at Edward, who glared at him.

The cameraman was filming all of this with fascination. _There has never been a family this weird on the show, _he thought, prompting another glare from Edward, though he had no idea why. _There is something up with that boy _. . . he thought, which got yet another glare. _Maybe I should stop thinking, _he thought. Edward nodded. The cameraman's eyes widened. Edward made a shushing motion and winked at the cameraman.

"Be quiet, Emmett, and let me finish. I'd just finished plastering his hand, and I left to get another needle, and then I don't quite know what happened. All I know is that when I got back Sebastian was gone and Emmett was standing in the middle of the room looking immensely guilty," Carlisle said, "and I don't know where Sebastian is now."

Emily laughed out loud. Everyone else turned to look at her angrily. She stopped laughing but kept a stupid smug grin on her face that Rosalie just wanted to punch.

"Well, we have to find him! Which way did he go, Emmett?" Esme exclaimed, turning to Emmett.

Emmett coughed. "Um, I don't entirely know."

"_What?!_" was the reaction from Esme, Rosalie and the cameraman.

"I . . . um, well, it's hard to . . . explain . . ." Emmett tailed off. Rosalie looked at him with disbelief.

"How don't you know, Emmett Cullen?" Rosalie said coldly.

Emmett looked at the floor. "I . . . don't want to say."

Rosalie growled at him. "Emmett, if you don't tell me, I will just get Edward to pick your brain until –"

Edward laughed suddenly. "I know why he doesn't know." Edward said in a sing-song voice.

"Shut the hell up, dude." Emmett growled. Rosalie looked between the two of them in confusion.

"Carlisle's gonna kill you." Edward said seriously. Emmett snarled at him.

"You open your mouth and so help me –"

Carlisle lost patience. "EDWARD! Just tell us!" he shouted, attracting surprised looks from the receptionist.

"Shut up, Edward, I'll tell them." Emmett took a deep breath and gritted his teeth. "I . . . I was playing with the equipment."

Stunned silence. Rosalie broke it.

"You were _playing _with the _equipment_?!" she said disbelievingly.

"What were you _doing _with it?" Carlisle said, also disbelievingly.

**LOL. Please review! Next chapter Friday. I have decided, as of now, to update on Fridays, Wednesdays and Mondays, if I can.**


	13. Chapter 13

**This was pretty funny to write. Enjoy.**

**CHAPTER THIRTEEN**

"When Carlisle left I got really bored really quickly – Sebastian stopped falling for my practical jokes pretty quickly– so I, um, tested some of the equipment. I used that one that makes loads of noise and does basically nothing, which ones that?" Emmett asked.

"Probably the blood pressure thing, no blood pressure, no dice." Carlisle said. Emily looked at him, raising one eyebrow.

"Yeah, that, and while I was . . . using that, he must of sneaked out, cos when I turned around, he wasn't there." Emmett explained, scuffing his shoe against the floor.

Rosalie was just staring at him in disbelief and talking in half-formed sentences. "Emmett . . . you . . . I . . . don't . . ."

Esme took control of the situation in that way only experienced mothers can do. "We have time to do this later, God knows, we have time. But right now, our priority is locating and retrieving Sebastian."

Emmett grinned. "Oh Jasper, where art thou? You are missing your adoptive mother talking like you."

"Will you just shut the hell up and help us find Sebastian?" Rosalie growled. Carlisle, Esme and Edward had already left, the cameraman following. Emily was sitting at the reception desk, trying to nick a packet of cigarettes out of a drawer.

"Sorry, babe."

"Save it." She was fuming.

"I didn't mean –"

"Emmett, because of you, we have lost Sebastian. Do you have any idea of the implications involved if we can't find him? Sam's pack will automatically assume that we've killed him. And also the bloody legal stuff from his parents." Rosalie said through gritted teeth. She stalked down the corridor and started looking for Sebastian.

Emily walked up behind Emmett and tapped him on his shoulder, something that she had to stand on the tips of her toes to achieve. "Well done, man."

"Shut up or I'll do something illegal." Emmett growled and stalked after Rosalie.

"Not sure if I'd mind." Emily said quietly as she followed the cameraman down the corridor.

**Lotsa stalking in this chapter. I don't know if I'll be able to get the chapter out on Monday - as it's the Christmas holidays we're doing a lot, but I'll try. REVIEW! please . . .**


	14. Chapter 14

**Enjoy.**

**CHAPTER FOURTEEN**

"Oh my God."

Emily, Emmett, Edward, Rosalie, Esme, Carlisle and the cameraman were standing outside . . . the Ladies Bathroom. Sebastian was in there again spying on the women.

"I'll go get him back." Esme sighed and went for the door.

Carlisle stopped her. "I think he'd get . . . suspicious if a . . . ahem, girl, managed to pull him out with the strength of a man." He said this quietly, so as not to make the cameraman suspicious as well. _It's a flippin` web of suspicion! _Carlisle thought.

"I'll go in with you, Esme." Rosalie said, and shoved open the door before anyone could stop her.

She and Esme marched in and grabbed Sebastian, who was harassing some women in a cubicle. They hauled him out, and this time he had the good sense not to lash out at anybody.

"Get offa me!" he screamed as everyone helped escort him out of the hospital and into the car.

Carlisle got in the front and turned the engine on while everyone else got into the car. He drove the car out of the hospital car park and down the road, towards the house. The atmosphere is frosty (in more ways than one) as they turn into the main town of Forks.

Esme breaks the tense silence. "Sebastian, I hope you realise the implications of what you did."

Sebastian grunted noncommittally. Esme sighed and looked at Carlisle, his calm expression replaced by one of frustrated anger.

He parked the car in front of the house and let everyone out. He grabbed Sebastian a frogmarched him inside, where Jacob and Bella were having a blazing argument.

"I bloody _told _you a million times _not to let Renesmee play in Alice's room!_" Bella screamed, brandishing a torn dress in one hand.

Alice was sitting in a corner with Jasper, glaring at Jacob. "That was a really nice dress. I was going to wear that tomorrow." Alice said, looking in despair at the dress.

Emily decided to use that moment to lose it. "_I'm sick of this! I hate you all!_"

She ran up the stairs and locked herself in the bathroom. Esme buried her face in her hands.

Sebastian looked up the stairs Emily had just ascended and decided something. He decided he would be the most difficult person to live with, ever, for the next week. If Emily could do it, why couldn't he?

Edward saw this decision and groaned, a split-second before Sebastian did this:

He took a can of spray paint out of his backpack and started on the walls.

**Ha ha! Please review. If you don't review I shall get Sebastian to come and spraypaint YOU. Next chapter . . . well, you know that. Wednesday.**


	15. Chapter 15

**Be sure to read the author's note at the end of this chapter.**

**CHAPTER FIFTEEN**

Instant pandemonium. Sebastian started spraying his tag on the white walls and the crème sofa. Alice completely blew it, which led Jasper to try and calm her down, which led Emily to come down to see what all the fuss was about, which led Rosalie to start shouting at her, which led Emmett to start laughing, which led Edward to shout at _him, _which made Renesmee cry, which made Bella start fussing over her, which made Esme sad, which made Carlisle sad _and _angry, which made the cameraman start figuring out how much it would cost to go to Switzerland.

Jacob took charge of the situation. "Shut _up, _all of you! Sebastian, put that thing _down, _Emily, quit sulking, Emmett, shut the hell up and for the love of God give Nessie to me!"

Bella clutched Renesmee to her chest protectively. "Her name, Jacob, is Renesmee."

"Fine. If you're going to be nit-picky about it. Give _Renesmee _to me." Jacob sighed, holding out his arms for Renesmee. Bella handed her to him gloomily.

"Thank you, Jacob. That's enough." Carlisle said. He looked furious and Edward and Jasper could tell that he was really trying not to shout. They looked at each other.

The angry feelings were rolling off Carlisle in waves. Jasper was nearly knocked off his feet at the ferocity of them. He had never seen his adoptive father like this. Edward looked into his thoughts and found them to be almost red with anger.

"Now, I want you and Emily to go down to the shop with Emmett to get some spray-paint remover, OK?" Carlisle's voice was like the calm before the storm, quiet but with the promise of fury beneath them.

Emily and Sebastian were wise enough to follow Emmett out of the door and into his Jeep. After they'd left with the cameraman, everyone sat down.

Jacob broke the silence. "Blimey."

"Carlisle, you got pretty het up there." Jasper said, playing absently with Alice's hair.

Carlisle took a deep breath. "Yes. I did. I'm fine now, honestly. It's because I'm thirsty."

Everyone looked at his eyes. Sure enough, they were black, and so were everyone else's. Alice sighed.

"We've neglected our hunting patterns too much, haven't we?" she said glumly.

"We can go now, can't we? Emmett will just have to go later." Esme said, standing up and looking for her keys.

"I'll wait for him." Rosalie said, pointing to Esme's keys, which were hanging on the hook.

"OK, honey. Let's hunt."

**You can expect a very odd hunting scene! **

**As I'm sure you're all aware, Friday, my usual updating day, is Christmas. I won't be able to update on Christmas, but I'll get Chapter Sixteen out on the following Monday. Please review!**


	16. Chapter 16

**I'm sorry I didn't update on Monday, but I was swamped. Anyway, enjoy.**

**CHAPTER SIXTEEN**

The Cullens (minus Emmett and Rosalie) filed out of the house and flew off into the forest, Jacob not far behind. They stopped once they got to a big clearing with a river, the site of Bella's first hunt. They stood still for a while, listening out for prey.

Alice smelt the herd of deer before everyone else and flew off into the forest in pursuit. The others followed her, and soon enough, they found the huge herd feeding in another clearing.

Edward and Jasper leapt up a tree silently, while Carlisle, Jacob, Alice and Esme fanned out around the clearing, surrounding the deer. The deer were completely unaware of their presence. Bella and Renesmee stood in the sidelines, waiting.

In response to a silent signal, Edward and Jasper leapt out of the tree, scattering the herd. The others penned the deer in the clearing, and then they set about killing and draining them. Renesmee jumped on top of a doe and plunged her small teeth into it's neck and sucked. She didn't notice that the rest of her family had gone silent. Renesmee only noticed that everyone had stopped hunting when Jacob butted his head against the flank of the dead deer. She looked up and watched her dad clear his throat.

"Well. This is awkward, isn't it?" Edward said guiltily.

Renesmee looked over to the sides of the clearing where Emily and Sebastian stood, open mouthed. Emmett looked accusingly at Alice.

"You coulda seen this coming." Emmett boomed in his deep voice. It seemed to resonate around the silent clearing.

"Oh, yeah. Like I was supposed to know." Alice growled. She though for a moment about what she'd said. "Actually, that was a really dumb thing to say. I wasn't looking."

Emily and Sebastian, meanwhile, were still staring with wide eyes at the deer carcasses. Bella looked at them.

"What are we going to do?" she asked, kicking a stag into the trees nervously.

"Ehm . . . you're dreeeeeeeeeeaming. This is a dreeeeeeeeeeam . . ." Alice said, dancing around Emily, waving her hands about. "None of this is real . . ."

Emmett sighed. "Can you do your Jedi mind tricks already, Jasper?"

Jasper growled but sent a wave of tiredness over to Emily and Sebastian. They swayed, eyes heavy, and fell to the floor, dead to the world. Esme scooped them up in her stone arms and turned to Carlisle.

"I'll take them back to the house. The rest of you, keep hunting. I'll be back later." Esme said, turning and racing out of the forest.

Carlisle sighed. "Come on, people. Let's get this over with."

**IMPORTANT NOTICE: I probably won't be able to update on Friday, because as it's New Years Day I'll be busy. But by Monday you shall have a new chapter! Please review.**


	17. Chapter 17

**Sorry for not getting this out on Monday, but it wasn't written on Monday. So.**

**CHAPTER SEVENTEEN**

Esme laid Sebastian and Emily down on their respective beds and looked at them. _They're really not what you'd call nice-looking, are they? _and then _God forgive me for thinking that._

Emily stirred. Esme steeled herself for the torrent that would probably ensue. Emily opened her eyes and stared into the nervous eyes of Esme.

"I had _the _weirdest dream." Emily groaned, rubbing her head.

Esme sighed with relief. They _had _fallen for Alice's little charade. "What was it about?"

"Well, I was in this forest with Sebastian and Emmett and we walked into this clearing, and you and the rest of your family were there, and there were lots of dead . . . thingies, whaddya call them?"

Esme played the innocent. "What?"

"The things you get in forests . . ."

"Deer?"

"Yeah, those. There were lots of those and the little one, the one with the curly hair . . ."

Esme sighed. "Renesme?"

"Her. She was, like, sucking on one of them . . ."

Sebastian sat up. "I had the exact same dream. D`you think the big one drugged us?"

"Emmett didn't drug you, Sebastian, it's just a . . . coincidence. It happens." Esme said tiredly. She _really _wasn't in the mood. "Would you like anything to eat, or drink, or anything?"

Emily and Sebastian both answered in the negative. "No."

Esme waited. "No what?"

"No, we don't want anything." Emily said slowly, like she was explaining something to either a child or an imbelcile.

"And . . .?"

Sebastian got it first. "No _thank you._"

Esme smiled. "Better. I'm going to tidy up for a bit, Emily, you can help me." Emily groaned and started to protest.

"No ifs, or buts, Emily. This is the way things are done around here. Follow me, we'll get you some Marigold gloves."

**Sorry for such a short chapter. Please review.**


	18. Chapter 18

**Sorry I haven't got this chapter up sooner! Anyway, enjoy.**

**CHAPTER EIGHTEEN**

Carlisle opened the front door and walked inside, followed by the rest of his family, to find Esme and Emily on their hands and knees scrubbing the floor. The cameraman was capturing this "memorable" moment on his camera, and trying to stifle a yawn while he was at it.

When Carlisle walked in, Esme stood up, thrust her scrubbing brush at Alice and her rubber gloves at Rosalie, took the keys to the car and stomped out, muttering something about shopping. Alice sighed and started scrubbing.

"So has anything happened to make my wife act like that?" Carlisle asked Sebastian, who was sitting on a countertop, watching appreciatively as Alice bent over.

"What? No. I don't think so." Sebastian said, kicking the cupboard doors with his heels.

"Stop that. Now, as Emily is doing some form of chore, I think you should participate. You can come with me, Edward and Jasper to get some wood for the fire in the front room." Carlisle said, opening the back door.

"God, it's just like medieval times." Sebastian muttered mutinously.

"What was that?"

"Nothing. How are we going to chop the wood?"

Carlisle looked at Jasper and Jasper looked at Edward. They had, of course, never needed an axe or any other such tool for gathering wood, as their hands did a very good job by themselves.

"I'll get Jacob." Emmett muttered, exiting the room.

"Well? Do you have an axe, or a chainsaw, or what?" Sebastian persisted. He was starting to get uncomfortable with the elongated silence.

"Um, no, not, em, exactly . . ." Jasper stammered, casting around for something, anything, to say.

Emmett saved the day by coming back into the room grinning and brandishing a hatchet, which was a sight so terrifying that Sebastian and Emily both paled.

"Here you go, my brother, you're welcome and no thanks necessary." Emmett said grandly, handing Jasper the hatchet. He paused thoughtfully. "Though thanks might be nice. It could be in the form of a car, or maybe a private jet. I also like hiking boots."

"Stuff your hiking boots." Jasper growled.

"Boys. Stop it." Carlisle said. "Where did you get that?" he then said quietly to Emmett.

"I got Jake to run over to Emily's place. The other Emily. The one in the woods. With Sam." Emmett said.

"I got what Emily you meant. And then?"

"Oh, right. Jacob borrowed their hatchet and brought it back to us. It stinks of wolf now." Emmett said, wrinkling his nose.

"It's bearable. Thank you. Sebastian, let's go." Carlisle said, opening the back door.

"Hold on, how are we going to get the wood back here?" Sebastian asked.

Emmett sighed. "I'll get Jacob."

**Next chapter Friday, hopefully. Please review! The next chapter is veeeeeeery funny . . .**


	19. Chapter 19

**I had a LOT of fun writing this chapter.**

**CHAPTER NINETEEN**

_I don't believe this._

"Shut up, Jacob. It's only for a little while." Edward said out of the corner of his mouth.

Carlisle, Edward, Jasper and Sebastian were trekking through the woods, looking for some wood that might be half-dry. Jacob accompanied them in his wolf form, carrying the small amount of dry wood they had been able to find in the rain-sodden Forks forest.

_You told them you had a dog, Edward. And then you asked me if I'd do this, _Jacob thought angrily, and Edward heard the sound of Leah spluttering with laughter in her thoughts. _Shut up, Leah. It's not funny._

Edward was struggling not to laugh himself. The sight of Jacob sullenly stomping along on a lead was a sight he would have paid for not so long ago. _How things have changed, _Edward thought, inspecting a tree to hide the smile on his face.

"This is _stupid, _I would never have had to do this back home. It's just dumb." Sebastian complained, swinging the hatchet from one hand to the other.

"Well, the whole point of you staying with us is for you to do things you wouldn't normally do." Carlisle said for the umpteenth time. "And maybe you'll learn something from it."

"Tchu, right."

Carlisle gritted his teeth but decided to ignore it. "Here's a dry tree. Sebastian, cut it down."

Sebastian sighed mightily and dragged himself up to the tiny sapling Carlisle indicated. He hefted up the hatchet and swung it at the tree. The sapling shook slightly but didn't fall. Sebastian groaned and swung again, and this time a small twig fell off the top.

"Oh, give it here." Jasper sighed, taking the hatchet and swinging lightly at the sapling. It fell to the ground, and so did Sebastian's jaw.

"How did you –"

"Practice. Fido, come here." Jasper said gleefully, beckoning to Jacob. He was definitely enjoying calling Jacob Fido.

Jacob did the wolf eqivalent of a scowl but trotted up to Jasper, who picked up the small tree and placed it on Jacob's back,

_Will you please tell him I am going to _get _him for inventing that name for me? _Jacob thought, snapping at Jasper.

"Oh, I think he knows." Edward said quietly, watching Jasper grin.

"Right, I think we've got enough wood. Let's get home." Carlisle said before the fight actually started early.

**LOL, Fido. I know I shouldn't laugh at my own jokes, but anyway. Next chapter Monday, please review, blah-de-blah.**


	20. Chapter 20

**I'M SO SORRY I HAVEN'T UPDATED IN AGES! My computer deleted all of my chapters and I have to re-write them. Anyway, enjoy!**

CHAPTER TWENTY

Back at the house, Esme walked in through the front door, a lot happier than she had been before. She put the keys on the hook and wiped her feet on the mat.

"I'm home! It's raining cats and dogs out there. Lucky I got home when I did!" she called, hanging up her coat.

She found Alice and Rosalie in the kitchen, still cleaning. But now Rosalie was mopping something red off the floor. Emily and the camera crew were nowhere to be seen.

"_What happened?" _Esme screeched. For the record, it's hard screeching and holding your breath at the same time. But she managed it.

"Relax, nothing that bad happened," sighed Rosalie, sticking the mop into a bucket.

"Rose, you're mopping blood off of the floor. Of course something bad happened!"

"Emily dropped a carving knife on to her foot. It's nothing huge. She's upstairs with the camera crew, recovering," Alice said, dropping straight bleach on to the floor.

"I'll go and see how she is in a moment. Where are Carlisle and -"

At that moment the back door burst open and Jasper stomped in, followed by Sebastian, Carlisle, Edward and Jacob, still in wolf form. Jasper drops the axe on to the floor and towels his soaking-wet face off with a tea towel.

"It started raining while we were in the woods," said Edward, grabbing the tea towel off Jasper and wiping his own face.

Emmett walks in and immediately starts laughing. "Y`see, that's why I didn't come with you. You stink, Jacob."

Edward coughs and widens his eyes at Emmett. "You mean Fido."

Jacob growls and shakes his coat all over the kitchen, soaking everyone. Alice shrieks and runs away from the torrent of water threatening to ruin her dress. Meanwhile, the camera crew have come down the stairs to see what all the commotion is about. Sebastian sees the camera and immediatly starts acting up.

"You lot are mad! You've got a mad dog, a mad house in the middle of a mad wood, a mad baby and . . . and . . . you're all MAD!" he screams, shoving his way out of the room and up the stairs.

Jasper moans and collapses on to a chair. "I spent the entire wood gathering trip daydreaming about different ways to torture him."

Edward winces. "I know. It's not healthy, Jaz."

Jasper looks daggers at him. "What part of this entire thing is _healthy? _Since when were we _healthy?" _He stops his rant for a moment and sniffs. His eyes grow wide and he grips the table with such force the wood splinters slightly. "What. Do. I. Smell?"

"Uh, OK, let's get you outta here, Jasper," Esme says hurriedly, yanking her son to his feet and pushing him out of the door. "I'll call you in later."

Jacob shakes his huge head and walks out. A minute later he comes back in, human again, wearing a pair of combat shorts and a t-shirt, for once.

"What was that all about?" he askes, helping himself to stuff in the fridge.

"Uh, there was an incident," explains Edward, taking a kick at the bloodsoaked mop Rosalie forgot to wash properly.

The cameraman faints.

**Hehe, it's good to be back! Please please review. And look at my other fanfics. :D next chapter soonish.**


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